FML

Writing. It's always been the comfort I reach for when there's no one else for me to talk to. When I feel alone and no one else wants to listen, or doesn't care enough to listen. Lately I've been craving it more and more. It tells me too many things about the state of mind I'm in, the place my heart has once again come to. I don't want to be in this place. I promised myself after leaving my ex that I wouldn't go there again.

Yet here I am. Once again living a life of no desire to do anything, see anyone, or share any part of me.


Why does this always happen? The common factor in all these situations is me.

So what am I doing wrong? What is it about me that tends to fuck up my life? What do I do to do this to myself, and why do I do it?

The only thing I can think of is to go to counselling, but I can't afford it. The only option I have is to wait until hubby gets a job, and there is yet another delay on getting our tax money back.


Hubby's little 'friend' talked to me today. Turns out he lied about the non-sex-talk not happening. Go figure, right? I wonder what else he's lied about. I can't talk to him anymore, I can't trust him.

What kind of relationship DO we have. At least my friends will PRETEND to let me talk to them.

Relationship wise I'm just as alone now as I was when I was living with my ex. The only good thing I have is my dog, Bear, and my daughter.

And I seriously don't feel good enough for them either.

Everytime I write I feel like crying.

Doesn't hubby even want to try to have a relationship again? Or is he just done, and do we just live together out of convienence?


FML.

All these 'friends' on all these different social sites and messengers and in text and all over the place, and yet I have no one I feel I can really talk to.

Once again I'm relagated to the friend that people talk to me but don't have the time to listen to me. I have a husband who is no longer interested in my thoughts or dreams. He doesn't care.

Once again the only place I have to put my feelings, thoughts and anything else is here, in a blog. I'm not sure if I should be sad, or just accepting. I'm sure there is a friend who's willing to listen to me, but why would I want to drag them down? The bf has so much going on in his life he is upset. I think I just made it worse last night for him when he tried to talk to me.

What kind of person am I when my own husband doesn't want to talk to me? Old conditioning comes into play at this point. I remember my mother saying stuff like no one would want to talk to a loser like me. No one wants a depressed person to hang around. No one wants someone ugly in their circle of friends. So many hurtful things that is so so so hard to put behind me. When I feel like this I just feel like giving up and giving in. Maybe she was right. Maybe I am useless as a friend.

Last night was the first time I'd had bad thoughts in a long long time. I have a feeling they won't be the last.

Depression?

Depression. Every negative feeling I have is blamed on being depressive. So much so that I no longer know what is due to depression and what is sadness because of issues in my life.

Where does the 'labeling' end and the acceptance begin? I don't want to use 'bipolar' as the ultimate excuse for every heartache and tear I go through in my life. Because it's not. I'm not crying at the loss of closeness with my husband because I'm in a low. I'm crying because it hurts. It hurts that he is one of the very few people I've let close and he is hurting me like all the others. It hurts that yet another friend I wanted to be there forever is gone.

Is that what non-bipolar people call it? Depression? I just don't know anymore.

posted from Bloggeroid

So the more I talk to people the more I realize that what my FWB and I have is somewhat rare. We're friends, good friends. I care for him, and I realize now that lots of FWBs don't get close. I feel we're close, but that doesn't necessarily mean he feels that way. I can never read him.

I actually really like having him in my life and it would really suck to lose that friendship. I think, honestly, losing what we have would suck just as bad as what hubby and are on the road to losing.

~sigh~

It's for this reason that I didn't let people close to me. That closeness is also what I crave more than anything.

How can one open their heart without having it broken?

So here I sit at work, with no desire to be here. I'm sore, tired, and sore and tired. I'd much prefer to be at home snuggled in my bed sleeping away.

My bf finally talked to me for a minute last night. After a couple days of not hearing from him he finds out how I am then goes to take a shower and doesn't return. I like to think he would miss me if I were to go but the truth is he loves his wife. OH THE NERVE!!

I know his caring is, on my part, fantasy. I want to feel loved so I fantasize he does when we are together. That fulfills an emotional need for me. Still, I wish for it often. Why can't hubby just do it so I don't need another? Sigh.

Oh well. I should get busy.

posted from Bloggeroid

Mint. I have mint plants. YaY!!!!!

My earliest memories, or perhaps one of my favorite memories of my childhood were of my grandmother and her house. She always had the most wonderful habits. One of them was always plucking a leaf off her mint plant as she left her house and eating it so she'd have fresh breath when she started her day. (Of course, brushing her teeth wasn't enough. LoL)

This ritual became one of the only things my grandmother and I did together, and quite alone. The rest of the family wasn't interested.

Since my grandmother's passing I've treasured the memories I have of her, paticularly the memory of the mint plant. Having shared it this year for the first time, my friend has helped me plant some mint. I'm SO excited. It thrills me to be able to keep this memory of her, and pass it on to my own little girl.

Hubby and I still have issues. He's still getting what he needs from his little internet friend. It brings back so many memories from my ex. I just don't know what to do.

Switch?

I had such a great time last night. Hanging out with people just like me took so much stress off it was amazing.

Not quite as awesome as my guy's tub, but pretty close. I don't thonk anything can compare to the awesomeness of his tub and snuggles while watching a movie. It was so wonderful to just be held for awhile, and pretend that someone cares. Everytime I thnk back I tear up. Why can't I have that in my husband??

Oh, wait. I forgot; it's my fault I don't get what I need from him.

Of course it is. Everything is my fault - why not that, too?

posted from Bloggeroid

How do I get over this feeling of betrayal? Everytime I see him talking to HER it hurts a little more.

And it won't end. I guess I will just have to live with the pain.

posted from Bloggeroid

Open? Perhaps Not

I guess hubby has found a girlfriend. It breaks my heart mostly because he doesn't give me what I need. His affection.

I guess it's my fault. He told me I bitch so much I make him feel like he doesn't do anything right. So he wanted to feel someone appreciated him. He said it makes him feel good.

It makes me feel like shit. It makes me feel betrayed. He lied in more ways then one. I can't even trust my husband.

I don't think I can share him. I think as long as I get what I need I might be able to tolerate it, but I don't know.

And yet he wants me to continue to see the men I see. Why? Why would I when it isn't fair? Especially when he wondered why it doesn't bother me to do it, but it bothers me that he might.

It's a fair question. I think the answer lies in his responses. He has told me he doesn't mind, that he doesn't want me to stop seeing my 'guys'. So why would I let it bother me? He came to me with this idea and told me he wanted me to do it initially because my needs weren't being met.

I just don't know anymore. I saw a message from HER that said 'hugs and kisses' and it just made me feel awful.

~sigh~

I just don't know anymore.

posted from Bloggeroid

Hubby and I have finally addressed the issue. We've lost our connection. I find that, while I'm sad and lost and alone and upset I'm not as broken as I thought I would be. There are so many emotions running thru me that I don't really know what to think. One minute I cry, the next I'm numb.

Maybe I've lost myself.

I just don't know what to think.

So many songs fit this moment in my life.  Sometime I will try to put them all here.

I hate my lows. I'm vulnerable, critical, cranky and stingy.

I want my time, alone. But I also want someone to hold me and tell me they love me and that I'm beautiful to them. I want them to show me they adore me, desire me, LOVE me and make love to me. I need hours and hours of sleep and resent having to get out of bed for work or anything else. I hate where I live, how I live and everything - EVERYTHING!!

I'm low right now. I don't call it 'depressive'. I'm not always depressed when I'm 'low'. Sometimes I'm simply low. I need more sleep. I'm slow moving around. My shoulders sag and my demeanor becomes  quiet and reflective.

I have a 'boyfriend' as well as a husband. I adore them both. Husband doesn't give me the attention and physical affection I need on a high, let alone in a low. We argue and I end up feeling lower than before. I feel neglected and even more alone. That's when I want to spend time with my boyfriend. I want to believe he loves me, though I know he doesn't.

Of course he can't. He can't love me - he loves his wife, the woman he's with. And while it upsets me that no one can give me what I need I know it's not his fault. We both knew the score going in, and it's not like I'm IN LOVE with him. I simply need to feel loved and if my husband can't do it then the next step would, in my non-logical thinking, be to get it from him.

It's not fair to either my husband or my 'boyfriend'.

So I plod along in my state of low-ness, waiting for it to end and for the pendulum to swing the other way and hoping it swings quickly.

It usually does. Thankfully does.

Tomorrow is my daughter's 2nd birthday. I don't have the relationship with her that I want. When I became a mother I wanted a close relationship with her, the relationship a stay at home mother has with all her children. I wanted this my entire life and here, now, I feel it's been stolen from me. I resent the person I feel has put me in that situation.

It's hard for me to hide it from him, and honestly I'm not sure I want to anymore.

~Sigh~

I hate being low.

ANDROID Blogging.

So I can blog from my phone now. Hopefully that will help me blog more often, because I can write whenever the mood strikes me. Wish my blog luck!

posted from Bloggeroid