So I haven't posted in awhile. I find I am in need of a friend. I thought I had one ... his last name was the same as mine.

Turns out he doesn't give a rat's ass what I feel or what I need.

Broken hearted, I turn to one of the few things that have always gotten me through.

Music, writing, and pets.

Pretty pathetic, but then again, I'm pathetic. Why not surround myself with things that are familiar.

Struggles with the Ex.

When I met my then-future-husband I had no idea what I was getting into where his ex-wife was concerned. This weekend has been nothing but a fiasco concerning the situation. So, before I get into how I feel regarding this whole mess, let me tell you what's been done, and as much as I can remember about what's been said.

Yesterday my husband (further called 'hubs') called the ex-wife and didn't reach her. So he left a voicemail saying that he's been sick, and would like to pick the kids up Saturday at 10 am rather than the usual Friday at 6pm time. The ex, not being able to reach us, called hubs' mother and told her that  hubs picked up the kids at the usual time or he forfeited his weekend. Mother couldn't reach us, so she emailed us. We finally reached home and saw the email and then hubs called the ex.

Now, I can't remember all of what was said, but it came down to the fact that the ex had plans for 10 am Sat. and didn't want to interrupt them for the switch. At one point I remember hubs saying plans change and asking her to either tell him a good time to pick them up in the morning or accomodate the 10am switch. She was unwilling to budge. Either Fri. at 6pm or not.

So, after much yellling on the phone, pigheadedness on both sides, and finally relenting on hub's side, we got the kids at 6pm Friday evening.

Now that I have all that out, I'm going to make a pt. 2 to this post later regarding my bipolarness and how all this makes me feel, hubs feel, and the kids feel.

The Bitch

She likes to show up sometimes. I'm not even really sure if she's here when I'm manic or depressive, or if she's even a part of me or someone else. Today she reared her ugly head yet again.

We were in the grocery store picking up food for the next day or so. We had already grabbed our stuff and was heading toward the check out lines. Self check was the only ones without a huge line, and there were 4 of them. 2 of them had lines, 2 didn't, so I headed toward the two that didn't.

Hubby said. "Babe, these people were in line first."

Well, there were 2 lines, and 4 check outs, so I kept going forward.

That's when the first lady in line said ,"I was in line first." Well, I was still thinking 4 checkouts, 4 lines, so I said so to her when she became quite rude telling me that there were two lines not four for the checkouts.

That's when the bitch showed up.

I called her a dumb bitch as I started walking to a different area completely. Hubby grabbed my arm and said something like hey, is that really necessary?

Of course that infuriated me even more. That's when the lady said 'Really, in front of your kids?'

I said, yeah, in front of my kids.

She yelled "MOTHER OF THE YEAR RIGHT THERE!"

Had I had 1 ounce less of self control I would have walked her outside, grabbed her head, and slammed it into the pavement until she was a bloody and very dead mess.

I haven't been this mad since I took a bar to my step father.

Hubby didn't help the situation.

Anyway, I don't know if I'm manic or depressive, but either way I'm in a very bad place - and I'm there without my medication, and insurance to get any anytime soon.

This could get bad.

Hubs and I blew up this morning. I guess it's my fault. He woke me up so that I could take care of the daughter and he could sleep. He says I don't recognize anything he does. I say he shouldn't wake me up when I went to bed after him, just so that he can go to sleep himself. He said I the only thing I do is 'bitch'.

I said if that's all he thinks of me then I'm done.

And I am. I'm done playing his games. He sits at home and does nothing (except take care of the little one) all day long. I work. When he was with his ex his biggest complaint was when he came home the house was filthy.

Yet he does the same thing to me.

He used to talk about how he wanted communication in the relationship - yet he closes himself off.

He said he wanted stuff, but isn't willing to give it himself.

So, I'm done. I won't leave him. I won't stop loving him. I won't stop being his wife. But he'll no longer have the best of me. I'll work, come home, do what needs to be done, but he won't have that secret part of me; that part that I gave him that I've never given anyone else. The part of me that I never should have given him or anyone else.

The part that only my daughter and my dogs are now the only ones privy to.

How I really feel... that is what he's lost.

What's really sad is he doesn't care.

Why can't things work out for me? I feel like I'm losing my marriage.

My counseller says I should change my thinking, and she's right. Instead of thinking "my life sucks" I should think ok, yeah, it's bad, but it's not that bad. ... I should think of where my thoughts of 'my life sucks' comes from, where I learned to treat myself that way.

Is that thinking from my past? I learned it somewhere - where did I learn it? Who taught me that?

Hubby and I are fighting. I feel like he doesn't care about how I feel or what I think. I feel that the only thing he wants is what makes him happy and fuck the rest of us. I don't know what's going on. But I know he won't set up an appointment for marriage counselling. There's always an excuse.

So, is he ready for this to end?


or is he right - it's all my fault.


All I know is that I'm so fucking lonely.

Hubby and I arguing a lot. It always seems to be after a bad day for either of us, and almost always ends with me giving in and saying I'll give him whatever he wants.

Because, ultimately, that's what he wants.

What about my needs, though?

Are my needs not important?

I've been wanting to get into a workout routine, but can't seem to find the motivation.

Depression? Who knows at this point.

I'm hungry. But not really. My brain craves food that my body doesn't need. Yes, I'm a big girl. It embarrasses me but at the same time it doesn't.

I've had more sex as a fat chick then I ever have as a skinny chick. My husband shares me with other men. We have a semi-open relationship.

He's not interested in me. He shares me to take care of my needs, and desires other women. I'm still not sure how I feel about this.

Our daughter is the joy of my life.

My struggle with food and my sex life are the highlights of my struggles right now. They change daily, sometimes hourly depending on how I feel.

But more on that later.