So many things have happened that I'm not sure where to begin. Just within the last two and a half weeks my father-in-law had been diagnosed with incurable pancreatic cancer and was told he had a heart attack with 3 blocked arteries in his heart. One artery was 100% blocked, one 98%, one 75%. Because of the heart damage they couldn't do chemo - it wouldn't do much anyway because the cancer had already metastasized to his liver and other places.
They could elongate his life by putting in a stint in one artery - the one that was 98% blocked. He would then die of cancer rather than of his heart. He chose not to do that, however. He would rather die quickly than slowly and painfully.
Sadly he did die of pain. Last night my father-in-law took his last breaths with his chest burning like fire. He knew they were his last. He knew death was coming. He kept saying "this is it, this is it." At one point he said "what a day, huh?" and looked at his wife and said he loved her. Then he took his last breath. He died with his son(my husband) and his wife holding his hand.
It's easy for me to write this without emotion mostly because I think I'm cried out at the moment. Alain was at peace with death. He had lived a good life and had accomplished everything he felt he had set out to accomplish. He was saddened by his relationship with his eldest daughter because she had cut him out of her life but it was her choice - not his. I'm at peace with his peace. I'm sad that he's gone, but I believe that death is a part of life. Grief is for the living and though I grieve for the loss of him our lives will go on. Our lives were enriched by his life, forever changed, and hopefully we will carry on the lessons he taught us and change others for the better because of them.
With all the stress and all the emotion flowing through the family members my bipolar hasn't been doing too well. I've been in a poorly controlled mixed state. My pdoc has decided to change up my meds a bit which is a good thing and since then I've gotten a little better but I'm still not 100%. I still cry easily, and I still anger quickly. But it's only been maybe two weeks since my meds have changed so hopefully I will continue for the better.
Really that's all I can say for now. There has been more I'm sure but since I've said this nothing else seems important. I suppose sometimes the death of someone in your family - no matter who it is - takes precedence over all other things on your mind regardless of the manner of their death.
Alain - thank you so much for enriching my life and teaching me the things you've taught me. I hope I do your memory justice. May you rest in peace and meet your friends on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge, and your family members in Heaven.
